Let go of let go

Today is 19th March. The world is talking only about the virus. Usually, I don't speak to more than 5 people a day. That is the nature of my work, and I like it. Client, the short talk, and then I do what I need to do and the end of the meeting with the exchange of words. Never deep conversations about significant issues. If before big "no" was about Brexit, while now about the virus. The difference is in emotions coming with the conversation. The negative discussion takes the body to a different place, and it takes longer to reconnect with it again.

The Brexit didn't hit the bottom line of survival factors; everyone was talking but felt safe. It's just uncertainty. We can go over, not a big deal. We got jobs, homes, our lives.

Since the virus outbreak in the UK, I had the last client on Saturday. I am back to my typical bubble. Live is around myself, my partner, few friends and phone calls with my family.

With every day, I feel the pressure we as human beings going through. The high volume of information is consuming us. The number of innocent deaths is appealing to us. It can be anyone around us — any member of my family. We frightened as never before, at least my generation. I do remember the collapse of the Soviet Union, but briefly.

A few days ago, I had discovered the documentary on Netflix "Pandemic". I have learned a lot. I live in my own bubble surrounded with comfort.

I meet most of my needs — therefore no need to think about people who suffer from diseases and epidemics around the world. The picture from the screen is just an image. Not as exciting as any hot body or sex, but it's called life. It's not here, so we can go away with it.

Today I thought I had an appointment for my Sexual Health Screening. I did as I always was doing. Went online, book an appointment - how simple is that. On arrival, I couldn't even walk in the clinic. My booking wasn't in the system. The online booking is working on the website but didn't mention the fact it's not working, just a function, which will be back again once we all clear.

As an HIV positive person living with the virus for more than a decade, I know that body either learn how to "dance" with an illness or "surrender". All the stories about the new virus for two months and we all back to normal can't be right. From HIV died millions, the older generation remembers better those years.

What is my message to the world, what I feel, how my body feels, what the message I receive? My senses are gone numb. I am looking around and we all sending the same survival signal. We have gone asexual. All our chakras are blocked.

When I was reading the updates from Italy about the number of deaths on my eyes, I felt tears. My heart is still functioning. I am alive. I can handle, but my body has gone numb.


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